


Twelve Songs

by VelvetCurse



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27684266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VelvetCurse/pseuds/VelvetCurse
Summary: This fic is in three parts. The original part was written in 2004 and was a complete fic, however, I got a reader request to add another ending to make the fic happy. If you just want to read the original fic don't read parts two and three, which were added in 2007.Heero was killed just before the end of the war. Now Duo must face life without his partner.This fic was written to fit with the poem Twelve Songs by W. H. Auden, which is included in this fic.
Relationships: Duo Maxwell/Heero Yuy, Trowa Barton/Quatre Raberba Winner
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The poem Twelve Songs was written by W. H. Auden. Poem is written in italics.

Quatre’s the only one that still visits me now. I think it’s more out of pity than anything else, but still, he does come around once a month. It’s actually the only time I see fit to bother to clean up my apartment, just so he won’t think that I’m still that depressed. But who am I kidding, he knows anyway.

Yeah, Quatre’s the only one that visits now. Wufei disappeared a long while back, Trowa doesn’t have the time to bother with a depressed version of his old friend and Heero, well that’s the whole reason why I changed so much.

Towards the end of the war, it’s two years after now – just so you know – I actually figured that I was in love with the guy. We’d been experimenting for a while and of course, that’s all it ever was to Heero, and I realised that I’d fallen in love with him. I didn’t say anything for fear of scaring him off for good, now I wish I had. I keep thinking perhaps if I had it would have been different, I don’t know how exactly, but maybe it would. 

It was the last battle of the war, the last of our lives if we wished it so and I got trapped between two enemy mobile suits. I couldn’t take both out at the same time, I knew I would never get to see the freedom I had always dreamt of – perhaps that’s why he did it, he always used to say that he would be useless as soon as the war was over. He said he couldn’t think of anything an ex-pilot could do during peace – but anyway, I shot one enemy and as the other one shot Heero got in the way and took the blast for me. He lived for two days afterward, even woke up once to smile and say that I would get to see the peace I had dreamed of for so long. But in the end the injuries got the better of him.

That’s the reason I’m like I am now, I’m not talkative anymore, I don’t even smile that much. I do what I need to get by and nothing more. Well, that’s a lie, I wish a lot. Quatre once told me that if you wish for something enough then it will come true, I don’t know if it’s true but I don’t want to do anything else, the world could stop for all I care.

_Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,  
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,  
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum  
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come._

He didn’t even have much of a funeral when it came down to it. We decided he wouldn’t have liked that, he would have seen it as a weakness on our part. I wanted to make it a big affair really, wanted to make it something to be proud of, something to show him how much I cared, but he wouldn’t have liked it and I knew it. 

I wanted to make it into such a big thing that everyone would know that he had died, after all, he had died to save them, but in the end that wouldn’t have done for Heero, he wouldn’t have been impressed.

_Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead  
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,  
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,  
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves._

After all of this was over, and I had my peace, I had as much peace as I could stand and everything had settled, and there was nothing left to sort out I realised just how much I had relied on the fact that he would be around when peace came. 

I had based everything around planning a life with Heero, even up to the point were I had run through scenarios of how I could help him adjust to life without the war. I had promised him that we would get a huge, comfy double bed and have a prussian blue carpet to match his eyes with violet curtains to match mine in the living room. I promised we could have heating that could be constantly on if we wished it so, so that we never had to be cold again and a really soft sofa to lounge on. 

I did it all, I got everything I promised we would, but it just wasn’t the same without him here to enjoy it with me. I got it all, even down to the colours, but it just didn’t have the shine I thought it would. At least I can never forget him; every time I go into the living room I am reminded of him. It was his eyes that I used to fall into and now my carpet is that colour and I could never forget it.

And all of this doesn’t matter now because nothing means anything if he isn’t here to enjoy it with me.

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,  
My working week and my Sunday rest,  
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;  
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong._

For all I care now the entire world could wink into non-existence. If I could still live on it wouldn’t matter to me. Not that I have any love for my own existence, don’t get me wrong, just that, in the slight chance that Quatre could have been right, I want to be able to keep on wishing for him to come back.

It wouldn’t bother me if the sun never rose again, or if the stars never made another appearance. It was Heero that loved the stars anyway and now they hold no joy for me. I wouldn’t care if all technology gave up and decided not to work, or if the entire worlds food supply was suddenly limited to one source of nutrition. None of that would matter to me now.

_The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;  
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;  
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.  
For nothing now can ever come to any good._

There’s nothing else for me to do now, apart from keep on wishing. I never know, if my wish comes true I may just be happy again in the future. No one really knows.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the part of the fic that was added as a request from a reader, so if you'd prefer to just read the original fic, stop here.

I was brought out of my reverie by a knock at the door. It couldn’t be Quatre seeing as he only visited a week ago, but I couldn’t think who else would actually visit now. I would have ignored it only my interest was peeked. If it had been a door-to-door salesman they picked the wrong house to knock at, I was likely to explode any minute and I pitied who ever was in the way.

Stepping up to the door I sighed, brushed a few strands of hair out of my eyes and opened it. There was no one there. I glanced around the hall outside, wondering if some of the neighbouring kids had decided to play knock and run, but I couldn’t see anyone. Shaking my head I closed the door again, imagining things again, perhaps I had left it too long since I last ate.

Trudging to the kitchen I made myself a sandwich and traipsed back to the living room. Again, as always, the carpet caught my eye ‘Duo, do you ever listen to yourself talking? You make no sense sometimes.’ Tears at the corners of my eyes? Was I crying again? Why was it that one colour could hurt so much to look at? Why did I even keep that carpet, if I was trying to torture myself I was doing a very good job of it. 

Prussian blue seemed to me such a soft colour and yet he always managed to make it look hard, or at least most of the time. Once or twice I had seen his eyes soften, once or twice he had let me see the real him, but not in front of anyone else, only when we were alone.

Once again that knock at the door broke me from my thoughts. This time was intolerable; they had been nice thoughts for once. If I caught someone at the door now they were likely to get hurt. I stalked to the door, throwing it back on its hinges, but again no one was there. A faint scent lingered telling of the person who had stood there. Was I mistaken? No, they had worn the same scent as Heero, or was it my imagination? Either way I suddenly couldn’t hold back the tears, they spilled out of my eyes and flowed down my cheeks like they hadn’t since that day. I spun back into the apartment, closing the door as I did so and sat down against it.

My head dropped against my knees and I just allowed the tears to flow down my face and drop soundlessly to the carpet. I had never been a loud crier even if I had been loud in everything else and I had no worry of anyone hearing me from outside. Or so I thought, for a few minutes later I heard a gentle tread coming down the hall which stopped outside my door.

“Don’t cry,” a voice implored from the other side, “everyone’s much happier when you don’t cry.”

I ignored them, who ever they may be it wasn’t the one person in the world I wanted to see right now. I thought of Quatre’s theory and instead began to wish for Heero to come back to me again.

“Oh come on, wipe those big violet eyes and put on that cheeky grin again,” the voice persisted.

I noticed that it was a man’s voice, quite husky and deep. It also occurred to me that I must know this person because he knew that I had violet eyes and that was what people did tend to notice. I once heard Heero talking with another soldier about me on Howard’s convoy. ‘Few people have violet eyes and Duo’s one of them.’ Those are exactly the words he said. I know because I was touched that he had noticed.

I didn’t care about this guy though. Didn’t care if he could relate my entire life history to me, at this moment in time I couldn’t have cared if he was a long-lost brother, I just wanted him to go away.

“Get lost,” I mumbled, I didn’t know whether he could hear I said it that low, but I didn’t really care.

“Can’t, I know my way around.”

That was an answer I always used to use when Heero had told me to get lost because he was working on his laptop. I got jealous of that computer sometimes; it got more attention than I did. Of course, Heero never paid me any attention when the others were around, apart from to tell me to shut up or go away. That was the way things were. It used to frustrate me, but they do say you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone, and it’s true.

Everything was reminding me of Heero today. I didn’t need this, it’s one thing to wish for him back every second of my waking life – and believe me I did – but it’s another to be haunted by unbidden memories because of events that have nothing to do with anything. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to think about Heero, I couldn’t help but do that, but I needed to control what I thought about, if I didn’t it would overwhelm me and I didn’t know what I would do then.

At least I’d stopped crying, that was a plus, now to get rid of this guy, who ever he was. I stood, wiping my cheeks and composing myself, opened the door and stopped dead. There was no one there. He must have gotten bored waiting and gone off, good for him, now I didn’t have to shout at him.

I closed the door again and walked into the kitchen. On the table lay a black silk ribbon; it looked just like the one I had done my hair up in that day. I had been determined to make Heero laugh, I wanted to hear it just once, so I had put my hair in pigtails and danced into the room like an idiot. The only response I had gotten was, ‘Duo, when will you grow up?’ but it had been worth a try. Well now I had grown up, or at least I wasn’t an idiot anymore. I slid the ribbon off the table and onto the floor. Who had left it out anyway? I didn’t remember seeing it in about two years. Must have been Quatre; I just hadn’t noticed it until now.

I wandered out of the kitchen and into the living room again. Throwing myself down onto the sofa and closing my eyes I soon fell asleep. I didn’t sleep in the bed, it was too big and lonely on my own, I think I had only used it about five times in the whole time I had owned it.

Strangely, I dreamt of a quiet night I had once spent with Heero. There had been very few, and this was the nicest. He had lay on top of me with his head cradled against my chest and one arm looped about my waist, the other hand lazily stroking down my side. He had fallen asleep like that and I hadn’t the heart to wake him so we had stayed that way all night, it was one of the most peaceful nights in my entire life and the dream left me beaming as I woke.

I woke slowly, unlike the usual fitful start and could almost feel him stroking down my side lightly with his fingers. In fact, my side was actually tingling slightly, as if from a soft touch. I rolled over lazily, not quite wanting to wake up and realise real life just yet, when I noticed the door was a jar. 

I sat bolt upright, glancing around the room for any strangers, but none were to be seen. The bedroom door had also been left open and I got up silently and snuck towards it, all my stealth specialist training coming back to me with ease. However, the bedroom proved fruitless as well. The sheets were slightly ruffled but I couldn’t remember if I had left them that way myself to give Quatre the illusion that I was using the bed.

Then I caught that faint scent again, the one from the doorway, the one that reminded me so much of Heero that I closed my eyes for a second just to let it waft over me before going back to the sofa.

The kitchen didn’t have a door and I could see straight into it from were I was sitting, no one in there. Well that only left the bathroom. A quick check turned up no intruder. The only thing left to do was to check for missing items.

I went straight to the wardrobe and opened it. The laptop still sat proudly right in the centre of the top shelf. Closing the wardrobe I went back to my prior speck. They could have anything else they wanted, I didn’t care so there was no point in checking for missing items.

Lying flat and curling up I tried to recover the dream that had been interrupted, but try as I might it wouldn’t come. That scent wafted through the open bedroom door tantalising and familiar until I was forced to get up to close the door. But somehow I didn’t close the door, I ended up on the bed, my eyes closed breathing in big, steady gulps of air just to catch the scent before it faded. So the burglar used the same cologne as Heero or something, didn’t mean a thing, but I never stopped wishing.

I wrapped my hand around the silver cross, which still hung from my neck, and turned my face against the sheets realising the scent was stronger here and the guy must have sat down, I didn’t move again. Funny that a person who robbed my apartment would smell exactly like the person who I most wanted to see in the world. And I meant exactly there was not one difference and I would know. Heero had always smelt musky and sweet at the same time, which didn’t sound like it made sense, but there was no other way to describe it. There was no way I was mistaken, I had never forgotten that smell and never would. I was pretty sure that if I had gotten amnesia I could have still remembered that one thing.

There was another knock at the door, well I wasn’t moving for anyone, they could play their games, I was staying right where I was. There was another knock a few minutes later, which I also ignored, but this time it was followed by someone calling my name. It took me a moment to register that it was Quatre.

I heaved myself off the bed, cursing him for deciding to come early this day of all in the week and answered the door. A relieved looking Arabian almost swept me off my feet as he entered the apartment. Quatre squeezed me so hard I thought he might break a few of my ribs and then abruptly dropped me and looked me over with an appraising eye. It was then I noticed Trowa, stood a little behind and to the left of Quatre and started to wonder what had happened.

“What’s going on?” I asked as Quatre continued to inspect me. Trowa hadn’t been around in almost a year, which was what had told me something was up.

“Naoko from across the hall called and told me she saw someone going into your flat a little while ago. Knowing I’m the only other person who comes here she was a little worried,” Quatre looked me over once more and then inserted himself into the protective circle of Trowa’s arms, which hurt but I didn’t let on.

“What so I can’t have friends now?” I asked, stung more by the sight of the two of them together than the comment but needing to say something.

“So he was your friend,” Quatre held up his hands apologetically.

“No but he could have been,” I said wryly.

“Duo, I’m only trying to help you, I worry about you, you haven’t been the same since the war and here I was thinking it would be Heero who would have a problem adjusting,” the comment stung like a dagger but I didn’t comment. They didn’t know Heero was the reason I was like this now, or the lack of Heero, not really, they only knew there was something that I wished for. They had always presumed I just couldn’t adapt to peace, I had never corrected them because Heero had wanted it a secret.

It wasn’t as if I was going to tell them, but I certainly wanted to. If I could have just told them why I was suffering so much maybe they would have understood better, understood me better. I couldn’t do it though, not even for my own peace of mind, I had promised, and dead or not, Heero deserved me to respect him enough to keep that promise.

“Well thank you for worrying, but I’m fine really, in fact I was asleep,” of course I had woken up before they had got here, but I really just wanted them to leave.

“Oh! Sorry, we didn’t mean to wake you,” Quatre twisted in Trowa’s arms to face the other ex-pilot, “we should go.”

I watched Trowa nod mutely and then turn as if he was going to leave with the flaxen haired boy, but just before he stepped through the door he turned back to face me.

“Duo,” his eyes were hard as always, but there was something different about them now that I hadn’t seen there before, determination perhaps, “can I ask you something?”

“Sure, I guess, if you make it quick, I want to go back to bed,” I faked a yawn to illustrate the point.

“Were you… were you in love with Heero?”

I opened my mouth to answer, realised what the actual question was and closed it again. How had he known? How could he possibly have guessed, and this far into the future as well.

“I’m right aren’t I?” his eyes softened in pity, which sent a shockwave of anger up my spine, “why didn’t you tell us? We could have helped you know.”

“I promised Heero that I wouldn’t tell anyone, even though he died, he died protecting me and I couldn’t break that promise, no matter what I had to go through to keep it, and besides, I don’t lie to people, you know that,” I could feel my eyes filling again and tried to fight them back; I couldn’t cry in front of them.

“Heero wouldn’t have minded, not if you were suffering because of it,” Quatre had disentangled himself form Trowa and came to stand in front of me, his arms outstretched.

I wouldn’t go to him, I didn’t even want them to be there, “It’s alright, I can wish, I still have that. Remember, it was you that taught me that Quatre, if you wish for something hard enough then it will come true.”

“I… I didn’t mean… Duo, you know people can’t just come back from the dead, not even if you wish for your entire life, you know that really,” Quatre looked at me as if I had gone insane.

“You said yourself,” I wasn’t about to drop this, “that if you believe enough and wish hard enough anything can come true, I believe that.”

“Duo, I can’t stop you wishing, you probably always will, but you must realise, no matter how long you wait, Heero can’t come back.”

“I don’t care what you say, I believe and that’s all that matters. Now go away, I want to be alone,” I had had just about enough of their rational thinking for one day, I just wanted them to leave.

Quatre stood, reluctant to leave, but Trowa turned and pulled him away by the arm, “If he wants to be alone then we should leave, he isn’t a child, in fact, he’s older than us by a couple of months, and we should respect what he wants.”

I could see Quatre trying to think of a reasonable argument against this but coming up with nothing he turned to leave with Trowa.

“Okay, just be careful,” I could tell he really didn’t want to leave but had no choice.

After they had gone I slipped the chain lock on the door and then, on a second thought, unlocked it again. It wasn’t that I wanted them to come back, more I was curious about the other guy. It wasn’t really that I wanted him to come back either but I just couldn’t forget that tingle on my side when I woke up. I didn’t know whether he had touched me, but it sure felt that way, and nobody had touched me like that since Heero had been around. If he had really done that then I wanted to know why.

I walked back to the sofa, turning off all of the lights on the way, and positioned the dark green piece of furniture so it was facing the door directly. I then sat on it; my eyes fixed to the door and curled my legs up under me. It felt as if I was back on a stealth mission, just like back in the war and I started to feel better than I had in months.

It wasn’t even that I was using my old skills again, not really, more that I actually had a mission, a purpose to something I was doing rather than just out of necessity. I wondered if I still had the discipline to stay up long enough to see this through.


	3. Chapter 3

Turned out that I did. A few hours later I was sat up, still keeping my vigil on the door. I watched as it swung open slowly and someone stepped into the room. 

My eyes were sufficiently used to the dark by then to see that it was a man, around my age, about five foot seven with short hair. He was fairly slight and used this to his advantage, for he made no noise at all as he slowly entered the room and closed the door behind him. I couldn’t see what he looked like, but that didn’t matter to me, his movements fascinated me. He moved gracefully, almost delicately, like a cat.

I couldn’t take my eyes off him but he didn’t notice me. He was moving around the room, looking at certain things, he even touched a few items, but he didn’t take anything and what he did touch he made sure to put back in exactly the same position. He made his way slowly to the bedroom door, slowly looking around to see if anyone was in there, he was probably looking for me, but he hadn’t come near enough to the sofa to see me in the dark.

The door swung a little as he came back out of the bedroom, wafting air against my face and with it his scent. It was definitely the same guy. The resemblance to Heero’s own scent was remarkable, but Quatre had a point, people didn’t come back from the dead just because you wished it so. Even so my mind was already trying to conjure the picture of what Heero would have looked like now and fitting that picture to this guys face.

I was just wondering if I should speak up, let him know where I was, when he looked up, directly at me and froze. He was side on to me, his shoulders slightly dipped and his head turned towards me. I raised my hands to show I didn’t have a weapon and then wondered if he could actually see me. He must have been able to see enough, for he relaxed and dropped to sit on the floor where he had been standing.

“I won’t hurt you,” I whispered, “I was just wondering who you were. After all, you did break into my apartment and go through my rooms whilst I was asleep. And you didn’t leave a message, that was rude.”

“I’m sorry, I’ll be sure to leave a sticky note next time,” he whispered back. His voice was deep, I could tell that, and smooth, but I couldn’t tell exactly what it was like. I wondered why we were whispering since we were the only two in the apartment but some how it just seemed right.

“So, you didn’t tell me who you are and why you’re here yet,” was he actually trying to be funny or just avoiding the question? Because that was my speciality and no one could beat me at it.

“You didn’t tell me that either,” he was definitely trying to avoid the question now.

“Okay, I’m Duo Maxwell, who may run and hide but never tells a lie – that’s my motto – and I live here, now it’s your turn.”

“What do you need a motto for?”

“Because it’s my catchphrase and besides it’s true, but catch the last part? Never tells a lie. So, I’m real good at avoiding questions, and so are you, but not good enough to outsmart me, so answer.”

“My names Sam, at least that’s what people call me, and I just thought you were interesting so I wanted to know more about you,” he sighed defeated, lifted his head to look at me.

“Okay Sam, you can come sit on the sofa you know, I won’t bite and the floor can’t be comfortable,” I patted the cushion next to me, “so you break into the apartment of everyone you find interesting?”

He decided not to answer the question, but he did get up and come to sit nervously next to me. There was that smell again, he definitely was the guy who had broken in. I watched him cross and uncross his legs nervously before deciding to sit with his knees together instead.

“What are you so nervous about? I told you I don’t bite,” I didn’t know why I was being so nice to the guy, he had committed a crime just by breaking in here and I could have just called the police.

I didn’t even know why I hadn’t, not that I couldn’t handle it myself, but if I did there may have been more than one crime committed. But then, I didn’t want him out. I was happy for the first time in years, and I didn’t know whether it was because of him, but he had certainly triggered it.

He didn’t reply to my question and I hate long silences, “I’ll go turn on the light, we shouldn’t be sitting in the dark,” I rose a little but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back down.

“No, I prefer the dark,” I shrugged and dropped back to the couch.

After that little admission he fell silent again. It was as if he was trying to make me do all the talking. Trowa was like that, only now it didn’t work anymore, I had never been in a talking mood. But this guy, he made me want to talk forever, just like I had felt when Heero was around, I had to talk for both of us because he sure-as-hell wasn’t going to. Now there was a slight difference though, I felt as if Sam wanted me to talk, whereas Heero had always told me to shut up. Slight differences, not much but there were differences. What had I expected? That this would be Heero? Quatre was right, I could wish forever, no one could stop me, but that didn’t mean I could bring people back from the dead.

I heard the sofa shift as he stretched his arms. He was sat to my right and the fingers of his left hand brushed my hair as they went past. He jumped and shimmied away a little then bowed his head.

“Am I really that scary? I don’t usually let people touch my hair, but it was an accident, I won’t hold it against you,” this didn’t seem to make him feel any better.

“Don’t let anyone apart from your boyfriend, right?” his voice sounded a little sad and I wondered how he knew I was gay, but that really made no difference.

“That was once right,” I looked up and smiled sadly even though he couldn’t see me, “my boyfriend died at the end of the war, I haven’t had another.”

“You… you didn’t move on?” he sounded shocked, as if that was an abnormal thing; maybe it was.

“No, probably never will, besides I don’t get out enough to meet new people now anyway,” I wondered why he had taken such an interest in this topic when he won’t talk about any other, “how did you know I was gay?”

He looked up when I said that but I couldn’t see his expression for lack of light, “just a hunch I guess, maybe I was told, I don’t know.”

Told? There was something fishy going on, no one knew apart from Quatre, Trowa and Wufei, and, well, Heero, but that wasn’t likely, “you know someone who knows me?”

“Not exactly, I talked with your landlady, she may have mentioned something,” he sounded distant, as if he didn’t care for the subject again.

“She doesn’t know,” I mumbled, “and if you did talk with her, why did she ring my friends and send them over when she saw you going into my apartment today?”

He chuckled low in his throat, “probably thought I was weird, I only asked about your apartment and you, so she probably gathered that I didn’t actually know you.”

“Let me turn on the light?” I implored, “I like to see who I’m talking to, and besides I’ve been sat in the dark for hours waiting for you to show up, I think it’s time I had a little light.”

“You were waiting for me?” he sounded shocked again, “but how did you know I would come back? What if I hadn’t?”

“Just a hunch,” I smiled but he couldn’t see it, “anyway, if you hadn’t I had nothing better to do, might as well waste time doing something, even if it’s unsure, rather than just do nothing all night.”

“You’re eager to turn on the light, I thought the darkness was a friend to thieves?”

“A friend to thieves? Well yes but I…” I stopped looked up at him and squinted to see if I could get the tiniest glimpse of what he might look like, “how did you know that saying? I always used to use that, but only to one certain person.”

It was Heero, I had always said that to Heero when he had wanted the light on and I hadn’t. Of course, it was a true statement and I was a thief, still would be if I had any will left to amuse myself just because it was one thing I was very good at, not because I needed to steal anything.

I sprang from the sofa and away from Sam before he could stop me. I saw his hand reach out to grab my arm again, but I was a lot faster and he missed. I practically collided with the wall just to hit the light switch in case he decided to get up and try to stop me.

The light flickered on, flooding the room in brightness. It was too bright at first; I spun around but could only see coloured dots floating in front of my eyes. I blinked a couple of times to clear them and then nearly collapsed onto the floor.

Sam had stayed sat on the sofa, his head tilted in my direction. He just sat there and blinked at me, he didn’t say a word. I pressed my back against the wall and slid to the floor before my legs buckled. Sam may have been his name now, but I saw someone completely different. Slightly older perhaps and definitely taller but it was Heero. The extra couple of years suited him, he looked even more handsome than when I last saw him and I was enthralled. I couldn’t say or do anything for at least ten minutes, in which time he didn’t move either. Finally, I put one hand flat on the floor and pushed myself up. I trudged back to the sofa and sat down, hanging my head a little.

“Were you going to tell me?” I had to ask.

“I’m not sure,” his voice sounded weak and strained, not at all like Heero, but he had sounded strong in the dark, “I wanted to but I couldn’t for some reason. Then when you said you hadn’t moved on…”

I’d almost forgotten, I was the one in love, not him, “I didn’t mean… I never expected anything from you, I still don’t, but I’m glad I got to see you again. Where have you been, why didn’t you tell anyone you were alright?”

He looked up, I could see him from the corner of my eye, “I’ve been with a foster family, I was badly hurt after the battle, as you can imagine, and I couldn’t move, but an elderly couple found me and nursed me back to health. By the time I was well again peace had already settled but the couple live up in the mountains and I didn’t feel so out-of-place because nobody lived up there for me to feel out-of-place around,” he stopped and thought for a moment, “it still took me a while to get used to the idea that I wouldn’t suddenly be called back out on a mission, but eventually I came to understand. Now I just live one day at a time, like I’ve always done, but in a different way.”

“So you’ve been in the mountains? All this time? And I thought you were dead, we even had a funeral…” I was going to start crying again if I didn’t stop and that was the last thing I wanted to do right now, when had I become so weak? “So why didn’t you tell us?”

“I thought about it a lot, especially about telling you, but I thought you would just move on, have a better life with someone who could care for you more-”

“You always cared for me, maybe you didn’t show it, but I knew you did, besides, you died for me, or at least I thought you had!” I hadn’t realised I was yelling until I noticed that Heero was looking up at me startled, so I shut up again.

“You know what I mean, give you more attention, show you that they loved you,” he reached out a hand tentatively and touched my cheek, “I never meant to hurt you.”

I looked up at him; my eyes wide and he caught me with his, as he had always been able to do, and held me there. His eyes were still the same brilliant blue but they weren’t hard anymore, in fact, they looked sad at the moment. I began to wonder if this was actually the same person, where had all this emotion come from, or at least why did he show it so readily now?

He slipped his fingers around the back of my neck and into my hair, stroking at the nape. I closed my eyes, allowing him the freedom to do whatever he wanted. He pulled my head to rest on his shoulder and took the tie from the bottom of my braid, running his fingers through the fine chestnut strands, making my scalp tingle. I sighed contently and settled, allowing all the muscles in my body to relax and feeling at peace for the first time in years. In fact, I hadn’t felt like this since the last time I had been in this exact position, and that hadn’t happened too often, Heero hadn’t liked to show his kind side back then.

“Like silken fire,” he murmured, “I always thought that.”

I made a small noise in answer, I didn’t really want to move or do anything to disturb the moment.

“You’re far too quiet now,” he said contemplatively, “don’t tell me I’ll have to be loud for the both of us?”

“You couldn’t even if you wanted to,” I almost giggled at the thought of Heero being loud.

“No, I suppose you’re right,” I felt him tip his head back and then rest his cheek on the top of my head, “you always did know me better than I knew myself.”

“Heero… nobody really knew you,” I smiled a little, “I just guessed, but still, you always surprised me, I couldn’t get it right every time.”

He made a contented noise and kissed my hair, I wondered if he was enjoying this as much as I was. It was nice to think so, that just this one last time we could be together and abandon everything, like we always used to do.

“This is nice,” his voice sounded husky, like it used to just before we had sex, maybe I did know him too well…

I lifted my head to look at him, my mouth ticked up at the side, my Heero, come back after all this time, well, perhaps not my Heero, but certainly nobody else’s. At least that was one thing that hadn’t changed; if he wasn’t exactly mine he was far from being anyone else’s. 

His eyes were closed, his head tipped back against the sofa back, he looked completely relaxed and contented, a way only I had seen him when we were in the war. Now, lots of people had probably seen him like this, but I could still pretend.

Perhaps I was too good at pretending, or perhaps I just couldn’t hold back any longer, but I suddenly found myself kissing him. One hand in his hair, one around his waist, just like then. Nothing seemed different, my eyes had drifted closed and the kiss was so familiar, as if he hadn’t changed a bit. I heard him moan softly against my mouth and my hand automatically went from his waist up the back of his shirt. I stroked the muscles of his back, feeling the nerves twitch where my fingers stroked.

He shifted under me, rolling onto his back so I was lying on top of him, his hands fumbling with my top, trying to pull it off over my head. I did giggle this time, removing the offending piece of clothing for him and then making short work on the rest of our clothes.

He was beautiful, just like he had always been. The light shone off his skin making him look like he was glowing and his eyes were closed, his lips slightly parted. I put one hand on his chest and moved back down to kiss him again. As I did I felt him buck this hips below me. I chuckled, my hand sliding between us to take hold of his shaft and slowly stroke up and down the length, eliciting small groans and gasps from him.

This was perfect, familiar. I hadn’t expected that it would be, perhaps awkward, but our bodies responded as if we’d never been apart, they remembered, and so did we.

I felt his back arch as he reached around and grabbed mine, pressing us together until there was barely a gap. It had always amazed me how we fit together so perfectly, as if we were made for each other, sometimes I wondered if we were.

I felt him lift his legs up either side of me and tilt his hips upward, inviting. I had never needed to be asked a second time then and I didn’t now. I slipped into him a little, testing. He made a noise which was half way between a growl and a moan and grabbed me by the ass, pulling me forward and deeper into him. I gave a surprised yip, the suddenness of the action making my head spin with pleasure. I panted and put my palms against the sofa. The feel of the fabric under my hands seemed surreal, as if it didn’t really exist, and nothing really did, nothing except him and me.

I pulled back and then pushed forward again, the pleasure dizzying but so good I needed more. I heard him moan softly and then he clenched his muscles, making me shout with pleasure and knocking the breath out of me. 

A few seconds later he relaxed and I started to move, picking up a rhythm which was so natural I didn’t even have to think about it. I heard him yell and knew I’d hit the right spot, changing my angle to make sure I hit his pleasure point with each thrust I picked up the rhythm until we were both panting and moaning and everything became a blur under a haze of pleasure.

He shouted my name as he came just as I shouted his, following suite. My arms gave way and I collapsed on top of him, panting but grinning from ear to ear. I made a noise, which was almost a purr, and looked up at him. He was smiling down at me, his eyes half-lidded and his head tipped forward slightly.

“I still love you, you know?” I trailed one hand up his chest; admiring his perfection again and then placed my head there.

“I love you too,” the words I had never expected to hear, “I always did, and I always will baka.”

I would have smiled at that, that he remembered it, the insult that had become a pet name, but I was in shock. My whole body had frozen at the utterance of those three words, words I had never even expected let alone sort after.

“But I thought… you never…” I didn’t know what to say, couldn’t find words.

“I never told you? I couldn’t. That would have been a weakness and I couldn’t show weakness, you remember? But now… now it doesn’t matter, and I’ve learnt that sometimes weakness is good, sometimes you can’t do everything alone,” he stroked my hair and it felt to me like he was apologising, “I realise it’s too late now, but everyone can dream, even me.”

“Too late?” I still couldn’t believe what was happening, “do you realise how long I have waited to hear those words from you? Don’t think I’m going to let you go now, not now, and besides, I never break a promise and this is our apartment, it always was, even if you weren’t here. I made it just like I promised.”

“You mean… you still?” he was the one who couldn’t find words now.

I nodded, “this is your home too, if you want to stay, and then we never have to be apart again.”

“Duo…” his eyes were large, the deep blue colour even more noticeable, then he reached forward and pulled me down on top of him, holding me tightly as if I would disappear if he didn’t, “I love you.”

“Good,” I settled down and let my eyes drift closed, “because I love you too,” I chuckled and felt him shift to look down at me, “won’t Quatre be surprised next time he visits?”

We both chuckled lazily before dozing off into the most contented sleep I had had in years.


End file.
